There are so much about my life that I wish I could take back, and yet, also so much that I wish wouldn’t change, because if I hadn’t gone through those events, I wouldn’t be who I am today. The thing is, I do not really like who I am today. I feel myself falling apart at the seams, becoming someone I did not want to, some one I would look down upon. Does that mean that even though I see who I am becoming that I will be able to change? I hope so, unfortunately, I do not think I am strong enough too though. I see myself spiraling out of control, like Alice in wonderland when she is in the rabbit hole. Falling and falling with no hope of getting back out. The weight on my shoulders just keep getting heavier and heavier and I don’t know how much longer I will be able to carry this weight. By myself that is. That’s what really crushes me. That I am doing this all alone. I wish I had someone who I could carry this weight with, someone who could hold me at night and could tell me everything was going to be all right, that we ‘d get through this together. And in my search for someone else, I’m loosing myself. I actually hate myself and what I have done in order to not feel lonely for one moment. One moment, and having no guarantees of when I’ll feel this again. Even writing this makes me want to cry, in fact I am crying. Why did I have sex with those guys? WHY WHY WHY?????? Am I that easy? Just tell me a few pretty word and I’m ready to jump their bones in an instant? Thank God I thought to use a condom in each instant and have and IUD so it’s virtually impossible to get pregnant. But still….is this my attempt to prove to myself that I am beautiful and that guy really can like me enough to, well you know? But then, how come they don’t want more then that from me? Is the way I am now living my life God’s or who ever is in control of things upstairs - way of telling me to wake up and smell the roses before I loose all my spidy senses, at least the ones remaining. If so, it’s worked. I’m wide awake now. I am no longer going to be doing anything with a guy unless we’re dating. Ever. And even then, we will have to be dating for a few months before we go any further then making out or maybe 3rd base…no further then that. I’m just so tired of feeling like this. But, in case you are wondering, here was my wake up call:
Picture this if you will: I’m driving down a side street from a friends house onto another co-workers house, after looking both ways –this is round one in the morning mind you – I see no one in either direction so I turn left onto division. After going a few blocks, I see red and blue lights flashing behind me. Now, before going any further, let me tell you a little side story.
About two months ago, I went on this camping trip up in Chewelah and the motor in my front passenger window over heated and in the attempt to raise the window back up while I was on the free way, my friend pulled up on it while I lifted the button up so that it would raise…this failed. Instead, all this succeeded in doing, was making the window come off track and now, since I have absolutely no money to fix it, I have a window permanently down. SO, a few weeks ago, me being the idiot that I am, left my wallet in my car and in this wallet was basically my life. My social security cards, insurance, food permits, past cards, child support cards, food stamps. The list goes on. Any ways, someone stole said card. Luckily I canceled everything I could think of, but I do not think there is really anything I can do bout my social #.
So, back to the story, I get pulled over and I have no clue why this had happened. My seat belt is on, my headlights are on. I used my blinker, no cars where on the road. Why was I pulled over? Well, turns out I made a improper left turn and my tabs where expired. So, when he pulled me over and informed me of this he asked for my license, proof of insurance and registration. Nay (some one stole that from me) nay (have no money for that either) and yay! So, after I told him this unfortunately news, he got all my information and then looked me up on the computer. He found me all right. Along with my suspended license due to unpaid tickets, I was not aware of. So, I got a ticket for an improper left turn, no id, and no proof of insurance. On top of that, I got another slip informing me that I had court on the 19th for driving on a suspended license and the unpaid tickets. A total of $1,200, if not more. What a wonderful wake up call to have on my record. YAY! I have realized my faults now and am going to try and stay off the road as much as possible…that fully I got this wake up call at I did because who knows how many other stupid things I would have done.
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