Wake Up Call

There are so much about my life that I wish I could take back, and yet, also so much that I wish wouldn’t change, because if I hadn’t gone through those events, I wouldn’t be who I am today. The thing is, I do not really like who I am today. I feel myself falling apart at the seams, becoming someone I did not want to, some one I would look down upon. Does that mean that even though I see who I am becoming that I will be able to change? I hope so, unfortunately, I do not think I am strong enough too though. I see myself spiraling out of control, like Alice in wonderland when she is in the rabbit hole. Falling and falling with no hope of getting back out. The weight on my shoulders just keep getting heavier and heavier and I don’t know how much longer I will be able to carry this weight. By myself that is. That’s what really crushes me. That I am doing this all alone. I wish I had someone who I could carry this weight with, someone who could hold me at night and could tell me everything was going to be all right, that we ‘d get through this together. And in my search for someone else, I’m loosing myself. I actually hate myself and what I have done in order to not feel lonely for one moment. One moment, and having no guarantees of when I’ll feel this again.  Even writing this makes me want to cry, in fact I am crying. Why did I have sex with those guys? WHY WHY WHY??????  Am I that easy? Just tell me a few pretty word and I’m ready to jump their bones in an instant? Thank God I thought to use a condom in each instant and have and IUD so it’s virtually impossible to get pregnant. But still….is this my attempt to prove to myself that I am beautiful and that guy really can like me enough to, well you know? But then, how come they don’t want more then that from me? Is the way I am now living my life God’s or who ever is in control of things upstairs -  way of telling me to wake up and smell the roses before I loose all my spidy senses, at least the ones remaining. If so, it’s worked. I’m wide awake now. I am no longer going to be doing anything with a guy unless we’re dating. Ever. And even then, we will have to be dating for a few months before we go any further then making out or maybe 3^rd base…no further then that. I’m just so tired of feeling like this. But, in case you are wondering, here was my wake up call:

Picture this if you will: I’m driving down a side street from a friends house onto another co-workers house, after looking both ways –this is round one in the morning mind you – I see no one in either direction so I turn left onto division. After going a few blocks, I see red and blue lights flashing behind me. Now, before going any further, let me tell you a little side story.

About two months ago, I went on this camping trip up in Chewelah and the motor in my front passenger window over heated and in the attempt to raise the window back up while I was on the free way, my friend pulled up on it while I lifted the button up so that it would raise…this failed. Instead, all this succeeded in doing, was making the window come off track and now, since I have absolutely no money to fix it, I have a window permanently down. SO, a few weeks ago, me being the idiot that I am, left my wallet in my car and in this wallet was basically my life. My social security cards, insurance, food permits, past cards, child support cards, food stamps. The list goes on. Any ways, someone stole said card. Luckily I canceled everything I could think of, but I do not think there is really anything I can do bout my social #.

So, back to the story, I get pulled over and I have no clue why this had happened. My seat belt is on, my headlights are on. I used my blinker, no cars where on the road. Why was I pulled over? Well, turns out I made a improper left turn and my tabs where expired. So, when he pulled me over and informed me of this he asked for my license, proof of insurance and registration. Nay (some one stole that from me) nay (have no money for that either) and yay!  So, after I told him this unfortunately news, he got all my information and then looked me up on the computer. He found me all right. Along with my suspended license due to unpaid tickets, I was not aware of. So, I got a ticket for an improper left turn, no id, and no proof of insurance. On top of that, I got another slip informing me that I had court on the 19^th for driving on a suspended license and the unpaid tickets. A total of $1,200, if not more. What a wonderful wake up call to have on my record. YAY! I have realized my faults now and am going to try and stay off the road as much as possible…that fully I got this wake up call at I did because who knows how many other stupid things I would have done. 

Random

So....Life sucks....I actually hate myself and how I am living my life if thats possible...and my friends. My roomate, Who I use to think was pretty cool I  now think is a horrible person to the guys (who also happen to be my friends) This is because she will tell them that she loves them one day, when she feels like it, and then the next day, She will want space and not talk to them at all...and she is a hypocrite, and knowing how i feel about one guy in poticular, who i've liked for like a year, and have been crushing on for just as long, she decides to hook up with. and break said heart...To make matters worse, she's broken up a friend ship that had lasted for like 5 years, and now, because they both love her, and she "loves" both of them, They hate each other. But I could go on about her for days, and don't really feel like that...

The next thing thats made me really depressed would be my friends, in general...My son is going to be gone for ELEVEN days these next few days, and my birthday is going to be on the 16th. I was wanting to do this capture the flag sort of thing with them and just have fun for my birthday. WELL, because of drama with a certain nameless girl and sleeping with about three of the guys i would have invited, them having feelings for her still, and not wanting to be jelous, they wouldn't come, and then, my other friends who haven't been with her, wouldn't come just on the off chance that they showed up and wouldn't want to be involved in the drama...sadly, because almost all my friends don't want to come, i wont be doing anything for my birthday. YAY ME!!!

Don't get me wrong, she is a pretty cool person to hang out with, i've had alot of fun times with her. She is amazing with Tristen and doesn't leave stuff laying around for Tristen to later find, she picks up after herself, she is pleasent to other people. there are alot of benifits to her, but, i cant help but feel like she stole my friends. and even though she treats them like shit, they still prefer her to me...

Another thing is that im behind on alot of things, like day care, my  car payment, have little to no money for gas, yada yada yada, the list goes on...so that is another MAJOR stresser for me...

FINALLY, as if this all wasnt enough for me, My son is gone for ELEVEN days...I wont be able to see him at all...it sucks...

I lied, that wasn't the final thing, the final thing would be how I feel about myself...a failure. I don't have my GED yet, I don't make enough to make the bills, even though i work a crap load, I don't see my son as much as i would like to, therefor feeling like the daycare is raising him. I feel like Im looking for love in all the wrong places and settling for less then i deserve...I've gone out on dates with three people with in the last month or two and none of them have been successful...one stopped talking to me all together, one was a tad too agressive, and NOTHING could be his fault, and another didn't want a relationship...its all horrible in short...
Hopefully, my life will change for the better soon, cause I just feel myself tumbling more and more into the black abyss that  I like to call depression. I don't know if I'll be able to climb back out of it this time.

Sorry this was suck a sad post, but this is the reason for my blue days...and had no where else but here to post it...

A new direction

So, I will still be writing about my life, somewhat, but my style or writing and my mood has changed drastically, and because I have started to get fed up with my other blog I am going to start posting on this one instead. It'll be more on the nagging questions I've asking myself. and what I think about life and it's meanings....so ya...here it goes....

Lets Have a Conversation

Lets Have a Conversation Lets Have a Conversation Well. I would like to tell my readers about my life, but that would take too long, so I'm afraid, instead i am going to tell you the events of my life, day by day. Then, hopefully, eventually you'll be able to find out more about me. Here is just a brief rundown about me. sorry for any spelling errors. I am a Single teenage mother of a wonderful, beautiful, 13 month old little boy. I love him so much. Unfortunately his father is a manipulative a** hole. I will be so sad if he turns out like him. I also believe, that since i lived with him - the father- for a year, that he is the father of said sweet little boy, that a tiny piece of my heart is, and forever will be, still in love with him. The fact that i said his name in the heat of passion, with another man making me in the very same heat of passion, might have a little bit to do with it. Just a little though.   I JUST moved away from a town that i had lived in for 6 years and have a bunch of support from a family member and a dozen + friends to a town that i have hardly any family support and even fewer friends. The ones i do have, i treasure. My parents are alcoholic druggies and due to that my (4) brothers basically raised me and my younger sister.   But that's all in the past really. I have to overcome this reality every day, and i don't think i will ever really be over said love life, but live on i will. For this reason, to move on from the past and possibly gain insight from it, I am gonna try to blog on this on a daily basis. I would do a journal but i don't think i could trust my roommate to not read my private thoughts, mostly about her and a girl has got to unload somewhere. I would talk to a friend, but i don't trust my friends really about anything; when i do try to unload to them - which i rarely ever do - they make it seem like i am asking too much of them, even though i listen to their complaining every day almost. So I now resort to this wonderful blog spot. Where wonderful, if not more wonderful people can comment on their thoughts about my life, possibly giving me some valuable advice :)    SO for tomorrow,  Lets move on to one of the biggest  reasons why i have difficulty in life presently. Can you guess what it is? Every girl has it, it causes us to crave chocolate, makes us watch and read those cheesy romance novels and movies with heroins that only a few luck girls ever find. you guessed it. My love life Sincerely,    Lost and Hopeless